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The journey of my family's struggle with a Brain Tumor. Cancer Sucks but the days continue so we must continue on as well... with a fight!

Sunday, May 20, 2012

The Last Days

I've started this post a thousand times in my head... I just didn't have the energy or emotional strength to write it.

Todd woke up on Saturday acting a bit 'off.' I texted Greg (brother) to make sure he was going to be home most of the day (just in case of emergency) and I also texted Bonnie. I can't really remember today why he was 'off' but something just wasn't right. All the family came over to visit.

That evening I had a visit with my neighbors who strongly encouraged me to have a 'talk' with Ty. I waited until he was settled and I asked if he knew what was going on... He said he knew daddy was 'slipping' and I asked what that really meant in his head. He was still convinced that Todd was going to be getting better soon. I told him that Daddy was dying.. I didn't know when but that the outlook on his cancer wasn't good. He cried and cried in my arms as this was a pure shock to him... Nothing like telling your child that his father is dying..sheesh! After some time alone, Ty came down to be with us. Todd was already sleeping. We curled up in my bed and watched some tv... He asked if he could sleep on the couch to be closer to us. (remember, we were all 'living' downstairs).  We said some extra special prayers and off to sleep we went.

Right at 4am, I heard something going on with Todd. I turned the light on and I found him vomiting and not able to turn his head... I quickly tried to clear his mouth so he wouldn't choke. I'm pretty sure I went into panic mode. I raised the bed in hopes he wouldn't vomit again but sure enough he did. I started to call Greg, I started to call 911, I started to call whoever... I tell you, I didn't know what to do. I actually called our neighbor/nurse friend Kim because she's a nurse and should know what to do... I remember saying to her 'I think I need you... please hurry.' She was to the house by 4:10 and she was so calm, cool and collected. She tried to talk to Todd and he told her that his head was really hurting but he wasn't ready to go to the hospital. She was gently stroking the top of his head and said 'I really think we need to go...he said OK.' I called 911 and the ambulance came. I say he was still responsive at this time because he told the ambulance that he wanted to go to Tennova on Broadway.  Our family friend, Renee, came and swept a dazed and confused Tyler away....

Kim and I went to the hospital and she stayed with me until things were settled. I waited to 'know' something before sending the family into panic mode. Kim was by Todd's side the entire time making sure he was comfortable. She helped me decipher all the medical lingo and she made me realize that this was possibly 'the end.' The Drs asked if I had all my paperwork in order and I remember looking at Kim and her saying 'it's ok, calm down.'  Todd was now on a nausea drip and morphine. I know he heard us talking because when we asked him a few questions, he would smile. By 5:45am, my parents arrived (told them to wait but they couldn't wait by phone) and Janice our neighbor had brought me sweet tea. :)  All of us just sat around waiting to find out what was next...

I called Bonnie and Ted and told them what was going on and they called Greg... Todd was in a room by 8:30/9am and he was surrounded by all of us yapping. By this point I truly believe that Todd was unresponsive. The rattling in his chest was just starting and the dr's were talking to me about getting him into hospice. So... I was off to making hospice plans. I also ran home to take a shower, eat and bring Tyler back. Ty stayed about an hour and then the Rupekas picked him up for an afternoon of celebrating Mothers Day with their family. By afternoon we had lots of visitors showing their love and support. I kept writing Todd's unresponsiveness to the morphine but I now know he had slipped into a coma. The rattling in his chest was getting a lot worse... I think they call it chain stokes breathing. We are now going on to late afternoon and I forgot a change of clothes. I ran home again, asked Ty if he wanted to come back up and his response was 'is daddy awake?' I said 'no' and he said 'pick me up after school tomorrow and I will come up.' By the time I got back to the hospital, Bonnie told me that the nurse told her that she would be surprised if he made it through the night. WHAT????? Ok breathe...

Everyone left and Amy came to hang out with me. Once she heard that things weren't going well, she made plans to stay the night. I told the nurses that I wanted to be prepared and please don't sugar coat it. She said 'ok.'  I had her take his vitals every 45 mins and she told me the same thing.. it could be tonight or it could go on for days. By 730pm, I had a roomful of my friends and we just gabbed to pass the time. My one friend, Alicia asked if she could pray before she left and I don't remember what she said but I remember crying and thinking to myself how blessed I was to have friends who are there no matter what...remember, it was Mothers Day and they took the time to come be with us. There left was Amy and Lora and I had multiple texts come through checking on Todd. I had 2 texts that came back to back and they said to have the 'it's ok talk' with Todd. I sat there for a second thinking there was no way I could do it and then I thought I needed to do it. I excused the girls and I sat with Todd on the bed... I held his hand and told him everything I have told him in the past. Tyler and I loved him, we were thankful for everything he provided for us, we were thankful for him loving us, we were going to be ok and that it was ok to let go... Not sure what else I said... I know it was the hardest talk I have ever had to say. I kissed and hugged him and then went and cried in the bathroom. This was at 11pm. Nurse came in and said his blood pressure was 67/30 and he was running a temp of 103. She said his body looked like it was modeling-blood moving from body to keep heart pumping.

It was time for Lora to leave. I walked her down to her car and came back up to get ready for bed... Amy and I shuffled around and got half way settled. The nurse came back in and tried to get his blood pressure again...there was none. I looked at Amy and nurse and he said 'I believe he just passed'... I sat there for a second in disbelief and started to cry... Amy hugged me and I went and sat by Todd.  I told him again that Ty and I loved him and we would miss him tremendously. This was 11:45pm.

I called Renee Rupeka who had Tyler and told her to bring him up... I needed him to be here before the family got here. My parents and the Bloomfields were next.... Waiting for Tyler to come was the longest 30 min. I waited for him at the elevator and he looked puzzled when he saw me crying. I told him Daddy had died... He had a full breakdown, as expected. I walked with him back to the room where he fell to pieces. He hugged and kissed Todd and told him how much he loved him. He didn't leave his side for the next 3 hours. The Pastors arrived and so did all the family. In the meantime, Tennessee Donor Services called and asked about cornea donation. She explained there were 2 people in the East Tennessee area that would benefit from his corneas... She told me that it helps people with Macular Degeneration and I immediately thought of Todd's good buddy Jay! Yes it took me a few minutes to make that decision but after hearing that I knew it would be a good thing. Family and friends reminded me that even if his eyes aren't perfect they still give HOPE to someone else. Now I wish I knew who received them!

Ty and I took 10 mins after the room cleared out and we said goodbye. I will never forget that moment... I will never forget the look on my sons face... I will never forget walking out of that room.

On Wednesday before Todd died, Amiee Gilleran from Blink by Aimme came by and took our photos. I truly treasure this last family picture and I thank Aimee with all my heart!!!

I will post more later... I still can't adequately thank all that were involved in that day! The love and support that was shown was amazing.

The Clan...

Friday, May 4, 2012

Wrapping up another week...

After a dreadful last week, this week was pretty good...

The week started with a visit from 3 'big wigs' from Todd's old employer-VF Corporation. The flew in from PA just to see Todd... we were more than moved that they thought highly enough of Todd to make the special trip. They stood around Todd's bed and told stories of the past and talked to him about the last year and the last few weeks. Todd got emotional several times which in turn made me cry... This was one of the first times that Todd showed any type of emotion regarding the 'situation.' In addition, they presented us with a donation check. WOW... it was so gracious. Apparently, all the outlet stores did a money drive collection for a few weeks and then the corporate office did a sample sale. I can't thank them enough for taking the time to come and visit AND that someone thought that highly of Todd to do a money drive! VF has been more than gracious to Todd and our family over the last 13 years... I appreciate the support and love they have consistently shown!

Also on Monday, we had a visit from one of the Pastors from Fountain City United Methodist Church... She stopped by with a picture frame that had been signed by everyone in the Journey service who said they would add us to their prayers... It was neat because there were so many people that knew us as a family, me, Tyler or knew who the Bloomfields were. A little back story on this church for us. Ty and I started to go. Todd joined us a few times. We visited other churches... then we decided to go back and give FCUMC another try. About that time, Todd was diagnosed with another tumor and we put going to church on HOLD. I was happy to hear that FCUMC reached out to us! Since Todd's been sick, Bonnie and Ted's pastor has been coming by 1x per week. Thanks Pastor Ed... We love that you all have taken us on too! Lots of love given to us on Monday.

Tuesday rolled around and I went to Greeneville to the main campus. While I was there I received a call that an Edible Arrangement was being delivered... Woohoo. I've seen them before but have never been given one. I started talking with my coworkers from up there and no one said anything... A few hours later, I was given 4 cards signed by most departments, 3 vases of beautiful flowers freshly cut from a yard (yes, vases will be given back, Kathy) and they were the group that sent the Edible Arrangement. Its great to have the love and support of all my coworkers!

Wednesday we enjoyed dinner with family and Thursday was a quiet day... I did receive more flowers and a card/gift from a previous coworker. Lots of stuff has been done around the house by others and we have truly been blessed with lots of love and support this week! I need you to know that we appreciate it!!!

As far as Todd goes, I think he came down with my cold so we got him on an antibiotic and he seems to be feeling better. He tells me he feels "OK" but he says he has electric shock feelings in his hands and legs...not sure what that is from. He is now telling me he feels woozy or loopy.  I can tell when he is off however he is still trucking along. :) I called on his chemo and it is to be delivered on Monday. He still gets up during the night at least 3 times so the nights are long... I am very thankful that he has not shown ANY aggression over the last few days/weeks. He seems to hallucinate after a long action packed day and when the day settles down. My theory is that he is stimulated throughout the day and when it all settles, his mind is still moving... My theory only, LOL

I won't disagree that I feel like I need a few minutes to myself... however I quickly remind myself to cherish every moment we have right now! If you haven't loved on your loved ones today then I highly recommend it. Tomorrow is never promised!!!

I calculated that I have been using volunteers for 12 weeks now... I/we appreciate everyone who helps with Todd during the day and helps me and Ty. I say it over and over but without you all, I am not sure where we would be today. Thanks to everyone who is helping to keep us afloat!!!

That's it for now... I will update more next week or when I know something else. Keep praying... we need it!


The Clan....