Todd woke up on Saturday acting a bit 'off.' I texted Greg (brother) to make sure he was going to be home most of the day (just in case of emergency) and I also texted Bonnie. I can't really remember today why he was 'off' but something just wasn't right. All the family came over to visit.
That evening I had a visit with my neighbors who strongly encouraged me to have a 'talk' with Ty. I waited until he was settled and I asked if he knew what was going on... He said he knew daddy was 'slipping' and I asked what that really meant in his head. He was still convinced that Todd was going to be getting better soon. I told him that Daddy was dying.. I didn't know when but that the outlook on his cancer wasn't good. He cried and cried in my arms as this was a pure shock to him... Nothing like telling your child that his father is dying..sheesh! After some time alone, Ty came down to be with us. Todd was already sleeping. We curled up in my bed and watched some tv... He asked if he could sleep on the couch to be closer to us. (remember, we were all 'living' downstairs). We said some extra special prayers and off to sleep we went.
Right at 4am, I heard something going on with Todd. I turned the light on and I found him vomiting and not able to turn his head... I quickly tried to clear his mouth so he wouldn't choke. I'm pretty sure I went into panic mode. I raised the bed in hopes he wouldn't vomit again but sure enough he did. I started to call Greg, I started to call 911, I started to call whoever... I tell you, I didn't know what to do. I actually called our neighbor/nurse friend Kim because she's a nurse and should know what to do... I remember saying to her 'I think I need you... please hurry.' She was to the house by 4:10 and she was so calm, cool and collected. She tried to talk to Todd and he told her that his head was really hurting but he wasn't ready to go to the hospital. She was gently stroking the top of his head and said 'I really think we need to go...he said OK.' I called 911 and the ambulance came. I say he was still responsive at this time because he told the ambulance that he wanted to go to Tennova on Broadway. Our family friend, Renee, came and swept a dazed and confused Tyler away....
Kim and I went to the hospital and she stayed with me until things were settled. I waited to 'know' something before sending the family into panic mode. Kim was by Todd's side the entire time making sure he was comfortable. She helped me decipher all the medical lingo and she made me realize that this was possibly 'the end.' The Drs asked if I had all my paperwork in order and I remember looking at Kim and her saying 'it's ok, calm down.' Todd was now on a nausea drip and morphine. I know he heard us talking because when we asked him a few questions, he would smile. By 5:45am, my parents arrived (told them to wait but they couldn't wait by phone) and Janice our neighbor had brought me sweet tea. :) All of us just sat around waiting to find out what was next...
I called Bonnie and Ted and told them what was going on and they called Greg... Todd was in a room by 8:30/9am and he was surrounded by all of us yapping. By this point I truly believe that Todd was unresponsive. The rattling in his chest was just starting and the dr's were talking to me about getting him into hospice. So... I was off to making hospice plans. I also ran home to take a shower, eat and bring Tyler back. Ty stayed about an hour and then the Rupekas picked him up for an afternoon of celebrating Mothers Day with their family. By afternoon we had lots of visitors showing their love and support. I kept writing Todd's unresponsiveness to the morphine but I now know he had slipped into a coma. The rattling in his chest was getting a lot worse... I think they call it chain stokes breathing. We are now going on to late afternoon and I forgot a change of clothes. I ran home again, asked Ty if he wanted to come back up and his response was 'is daddy awake?' I said 'no' and he said 'pick me up after school tomorrow and I will come up.' By the time I got back to the hospital, Bonnie told me that the nurse told her that she would be surprised if he made it through the night. WHAT????? Ok breathe...
Everyone left and Amy came to hang out with me. Once she heard that things weren't going well, she made plans to stay the night. I told the nurses that I wanted to be prepared and please don't sugar coat it. She said 'ok.' I had her take his vitals every 45 mins and she told me the same thing.. it could be tonight or it could go on for days. By 730pm, I had a roomful of my friends and we just gabbed to pass the time. My one friend, Alicia asked if she could pray before she left and I don't remember what she said but I remember crying and thinking to myself how blessed I was to have friends who are there no matter what...remember, it was Mothers Day and they took the time to come be with us. There left was Amy and Lora and I had multiple texts come through checking on Todd. I had 2 texts that came back to back and they said to have the 'it's ok talk' with Todd. I sat there for a second thinking there was no way I could do it and then I thought I needed to do it. I excused the girls and I sat with Todd on the bed... I held his hand and told him everything I have told him in the past. Tyler and I loved him, we were thankful for everything he provided for us, we were thankful for him loving us, we were going to be ok and that it was ok to let go... Not sure what else I said... I know it was the hardest talk I have ever had to say. I kissed and hugged him and then went and cried in the bathroom. This was at 11pm. Nurse came in and said his blood pressure was 67/30 and he was running a temp of 103. She said his body looked like it was modeling-blood moving from body to keep heart pumping.
It was time for Lora to leave. I walked her down to her car and came back up to get ready for bed... Amy and I shuffled around and got half way settled. The nurse came back in and tried to get his blood pressure again...there was none. I looked at Amy and nurse and he said 'I believe he just passed'... I sat there for a second in disbelief and started to cry... Amy hugged me and I went and sat by Todd. I told him again that Ty and I loved him and we would miss him tremendously. This was 11:45pm.
I called Renee Rupeka who had Tyler and told her to bring him up... I needed him to be here before the family got here. My parents and the Bloomfields were next.... Waiting for Tyler to come was the longest 30 min. I waited for him at the elevator and he looked puzzled when he saw me crying. I told him Daddy had died... He had a full breakdown, as expected. I walked with him back to the room where he fell to pieces. He hugged and kissed Todd and told him how much he loved him. He didn't leave his side for the next 3 hours. The Pastors arrived and so did all the family. In the meantime, Tennessee Donor Services called and asked about cornea donation. She explained there were 2 people in the East Tennessee area that would benefit from his corneas... She told me that it helps people with Macular Degeneration and I immediately thought of Todd's good buddy Jay! Yes it took me a few minutes to make that decision but after hearing that I knew it would be a good thing. Family and friends reminded me that even if his eyes aren't perfect they still give HOPE to someone else. Now I wish I knew who received them!
Ty and I took 10 mins after the room cleared out and we said goodbye. I will never forget that moment... I will never forget the look on my sons face... I will never forget walking out of that room.
On Wednesday before Todd died, Amiee Gilleran from Blink by Aimme came by and took our photos. I truly treasure this last family picture and I thank Aimee with all my heart!!!
The Clan...
